Nerves

I know all of the words, and most of the time my audience doesn't. I take comfort in that fact.

I don't necessarily get nervous before a performance. I kind of go into this meditative state, quiet and seemingly calm. Fake it until you become it.

Thinking about a performance, though. That's what get's me nervous, and it usually doesn't happen until after I've performed.

I keep saying performance. This can be anything, really. I don't have to be on stage. I could be reading something aloud for a class, just having a conversation, or quite literally, I could be on stage.

Reciting what went on in my head after it's already happened is what makes me nervous. Thinking about what I could have done differently drives me crazy. Gosh, I should have done this or should have said this instead of whatever that meant.

I'm better at improvising. Just knowing certain points I need to touch upon is better than having everything word for word. If I'm doing something and the audience knows what I should have done instead, that's when I get upset.

And then my knees go weak. They get numb and tingly. Everything seems surreal, and I have to mentally take a step back and realize what's happened happened.

So I like it when only I know the words.

But sometimes I don't know them all, and it's up to the world to show me.

So show me.