Performing

I've got about three hours until my call time for my first official Jazz Band concert. Before a performance, many people ask, "Are you nervous?"

Well, of course.

Presence... Well, faking it.

So last week on my day off, I created an entirely new blog dedicated to my journals. Basically, I've started typing everything up for safe-keeping and curious minds. I'm not certain that anyone will even read any of the stuff I've written, but I mean, some parts can be pretty insightful... and the rest.. well... you gotta wean through the other crap.

I'm absolutely awful at keeping up with things. I've got a youtube channel that I made when I was 11 or 12, and I've had it for years. However, I haven't always posted on it. I've got two other channels. One that I started around the same time for gaming, and one that I started just a few years ago for music. BY no means are any of these things actually generating traffic. They're just there. That's all you can really ask for these days, right? For presence.

And every now and again, I'll post something for people to see... if they wanna.
And every now and again, people will respond... if they think to do so.
And every now and again, I'll go months without sharing something... if I'm busy.
And every now and again, I'll find the inspiration again... if I get bored.
And every now and again, I'll post again.

So with this new thing that I've started, I've set it up so that it automatically posts every morning for me... months in advanced. That way, during the time that I've lost the inspiration, there's still stuff going up for show.

But it may not matter at all.
People probably won't read it at all, and it may all end up being a waste of time.
But for now, I've got the inspiration, so I'll try to make it seem like it's lasting.

When Strangers Become Your People

I was just reading this article, and felt extremely uplifted by it. So I thought I'd post it here, for my own future reference and for yours.

http://www.thehouseofhendrix.com/2014/10/29/when-strangers-become-your-people/

Allison  Hendrix speaks of an experience she had while on a train ride with an elderly woman. The woman has an accident, and many of the people in the cabin jump in to lend a hand. The kindness of these strangers is unbelievable.

Have a lovely day!

Nerves

I know all of the words, and most of the time my audience doesn't. I take comfort in that fact.

I don't necessarily get nervous before a performance. I kind of go into this meditative state, quiet and seemingly calm. Fake it until you become it.

Thinking about a performance, though. That's what get's me nervous, and it usually doesn't happen until after I've performed.

I keep saying performance. This can be anything, really. I don't have to be on stage. I could be reading something aloud for a class, just having a conversation, or quite literally, I could be on stage.

Reciting what went on in my head after it's already happened is what makes me nervous. Thinking about what I could have done differently drives me crazy. Gosh, I should have done this or should have said this instead of whatever that meant.

I'm better at improvising. Just knowing certain points I need to touch upon is better than having everything word for word. If I'm doing something and the audience knows what I should have done instead, that's when I get upset.

And then my knees go weak. They get numb and tingly. Everything seems surreal, and I have to mentally take a step back and realize what's happened happened.

So I like it when only I know the words.

But sometimes I don't know them all, and it's up to the world to show me.

So show me.

Seminary Death Threat

I didn't know where else to post this.

I recently came across a journal entry that I wrote two years ago about something that happened at seminary.

It started when I decided to sit in the seat K is always at in seminary. When her friend S got there, S said to me,'Good luck with that.' I just replied, 'Oh, I'm fine.'

Now everyday, K would sit in the same seat, and whenever one of the young men would try to sit there, she'd walk in and demand they move. They always moved, and she always got what she wanted, but I was determined to not give her her way this time.

Brother M was like, 'You should probably move, she's not gonna like that.' But why should I care? She's had the same seat since the beginning of the year.

So then P walks in and P is another friend of K. She said, 'uhh...' then went and sat on the other side of the room with S. And then K walked in.

She just stood in front of me with her bible in hand and glared at me in her chair. She said, 'You need to move. That's mine'. I told her I wasn't going to move and just kept looking around the room at everyone else who was looking right back at me. 

'You should really move.' K said to me again, but I just said, 'I'm good, thanks.'

Then Ms. Molly Mormon said something that really got me.

"You're going to hell." Her face was serious and she folded her arms. I just said okay.

Brother M kept saying. "You should just move to avoid any further confrontation." Like stand up and be a man. He was just sitting in his chair watching us.

But I didn't move and S said, "Everyone is hinting at you that you should move." and K just kept standing there, glaring.

Then K lost it.

"I can snap your neck from here." But she stood still. So I just said, "Interesting, you do that."

Brother M kept saying, "Just don't cause any more confrontation."

This girl threatened to kill me within the walls of the church and he was just sitting there twiddling his thumbs, while everyone else in the room was silent.

"Violet, you really need to move. She sits there everyday." Brother M finally said. But I said, "She can experience a new view then." But everyone was staring at me. Even the girls who I had thought were my friends and I chatted with every day. Brother M started giving me this look and kept repeating, "You should move to avoid any further confrontation." I felt like a mormon Rosa Parks.

"Fine, enjoy." and I got up and walked out of seminary as I heard K echo, "I will."

I never want to go back again.

I did eventually end up going back. My Dad insisted that I do so, otherwise I was to be grounded. I felt betrayed by my so-called friends, and by Brother M. Everyone ganged up on me all because I took my seat in a different place. I was like a questioning-mormon Rosa Parks.

I forgave my Dad for sending me back, but only because the look on K's face was priceless when I showed up again.

And A Happy New Year

Happy New Year, folks! Welcome to 2015.

Time is going too fast. It needs to take a vacation or something so that I can catch up. Two more weeks of the semester, then finals, then second semester. After that, dare I say, "GRADUATION?"

That's mindblowingly terrifying.

In my last post, I listed some goals that I had for the winter break. I've made progress, checked a few off. Okay, I've checked one off. The goal was actually to get them done before the year ends, but the only one counting the days is time.

1. Visit old friends: COMPLETE 
2. Go on a hike: 5 MILE RUN INSTEAD? 
3. Write a song with my sister
4. Finish reading a book: FEW MORE PAGES LEFT
5. Make a youtube video on any of my accounts: HAHA
6. Improve my palmistry: I STUDIED IT A BIT? 

I did in fact go see my friends this week, and it was awesome. Seeing them again was the high light of my year, and it sucks that it happened towards the end. 

New years resolutions are a joke. If you're going to make a goal make it now, when it counts. Don't wait for some holiday to tell you that you may begin. Unfortunately, despite my attitude towards New Years resolutions, I've got more goals for the month of January. I like the idea of having monthly goals that I can achieve. It's something to work towards. Something to check off. 

In January, I'd like to finally buy a phone. It can be cheap if done through Virgin Mobile, so maybe I'll go for it. There are people that need to reach me, and they should be able to do that without having to go through my sisters first. Plus, I have a job now, and contact with them is crucial to success.

After seeing my friends, it made me realize how much we've been apart. A reason for that is that I don't have a phone. I'd like to be closer to them and to do that I need to be able to comfortably contact them. Gah, I missed them so much and now I miss them even more. I've got another year to get things right, so let's make it a good one. 

Better Than This

I'm currently on my winter break, and several times I've had to ask myself, "What am I doing?"

The answer is usually something along the lines of, "Well, nothing productive."

I can't stand to do nothing. I enjoy checking things off.

There's just nothing on my list.

Yesterday was also Christmas, and of me that requires a list of things I want so that my parents know what to get me. I just threw a bunch of random things on my list. That way, my parents would have options, and I wouldn't know what to expect. I was not disappointed. This year, I received some tea, journals, and a mini keyboard.

I love giving and sharing, so I did my fair share of asking people what they wanted for Christmas. Some people answered, and other people left me to get creative.

But then I'd look at what's in front of me and wonder, why was this made? Why wasn't it something better? I can do better.

Tomorrow I will create a list of things I want to do. No, I'll do it now. No excuses.

TO DO BEFORE THE YEAR ENDS:
1. Visit old friends
2. Go on a hike
3. Write a song with my sister
4. Finish reading a book
5. Make a youtube video on any of my accounts
6. Improve my palmistry

Don't wait for something good to come around. Don't wait for things to lighten up. It doesn't get much better than this.